Silence is Golden

I am so proud of myself.

This morning I've made a decision. I decided to talk less towards my spouse. You see, my husband and I have been married for the last 13 years. The first 12 years was going great. But something happened in year thirteen that made us seems to grow apart. I'm not going into details here, but long story short, I am right now fighting hard for the survival of our marriage. I read somewhere in one of the internet blogs that marriage will peak up again after 20 years. And one of my friend that has been married for 25 plus years told me that it is getting better the longer we married. So basically I just need to survive this low slump, and believe that our marriage will be better again after we pass this perfect storm.

He wants less talk. He feel stress when I'm talking. The problem is, I am an extrovert. And I am very big in expressing my feelings. I am blunt. I speak what's on my mind. I just say what I feel and what I think to the most inner circle of my life. So unfortunately, this makes him likes me less. Maybe because I vent my frustration at everything. And who likes a nagging wife? A complaining wife? I wouldn't like to live with myself if all I do is just focusing on the negative in a daily basis.

Therefore, I decided to do something different. What's the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. So guess what? I'm going to do something that I didn't do before. I am going to limit my talk to him. I'm not going to talk about my feelings, or what's on my mind, or what's worrying me, or whatever it is that bugging me. If I talk to him, it'll be just to the weather or household needs. Just as needed basis. 

And when he presented a topic that is difficult for me to digest, basically things that make me explode and be the queen of anger & wrath, I will simply treat it as if he speaks Swahili to me. I'll just look at him quietly and blank stare. Or maybe I'll just acknowledge and sympathize with him. I don't know for sure, but... definitely not talking. No words. No exchange words. Often time, my tongue got me into trouble. Often times, I open a Pandora Box when I start a conversation with him. So... I need to control which words that escape my lips, and be the master of my thoughts, and my feeling.

So far so good. This evening went by peacefully. I think I give him what he wants. And a happy husband is a happy life. I'm successfully navigated myself to speak less words compared to his words. Basically he is now talking more than me. Which is good.

Now, I am an expressionist. So what will I do to release my tension? I'll just blog here. I'll just pour out the words via this medium and that'll help me to release my inner thought. Beside, I work in an environment that requires me to do lots of talking. Isn't this excellent? I still get to talk, to other people, so at home I'll just be quiet. Just be still.

I guess it's true that silence is golden. We'll see if this works. Maybe I'll be lucky if we survive to year fourteen.

Mindset

You know the 5 steps of grief :
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

These steps are so true.

Right now I'm at the point of acceptance. And I felt I can only achieve this mindset after I finish running all my emotions from the first four stages. When I was in denial, I couldn't directly accept the truth. It's just a hard pill to swallow at that time. But when I'm in acceptance, suddenly I can clearly see the benefit of the situations, how can I turn it into my advantage, and just accept things the way they are. It's like, when life gives you lemon, make a lemonade philosophy.

I felt that it's important to always convey our emotion. Not at people who doesn't want to hear it out. But to other medium which we can express ourselves. That's why I'm so thankful for this blog! This is a place where I can quietly meditate my mind, try to process for anything that had happened to me lately, and try not to dwell in the past too much.

They say, it's all in your mindset. When things happen to you, can choose 2 things. You can choose to react negatively towards it, or you can choose to be positive about it. It's so dang hard to be positive when things happen not in our favor. I admit it. It's not easy. But do we have a choice in the matter? In the long run, is it more beneficial to keep down in the low, or to get up and start working at something else that will bring more progress? Focus on the big picture, focus on the long-term. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

We don't live only for today. Tomorrow we'll live. And the next day after that. So let's set our mindset to the positive channel. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to grief. But do more positive things to make your life better. When I'm in the blue, I like to shop. Somehow buying something new release a temporary joy in my heart. Weird. But I know at some point I got to stop and start saving towards my emergency fund. If that fund is full, fine, save more towards retirement. My future self will not mind to have more money in the end I think.

With the right mindset, we help us to lift ourselves up. Life still goes on. There are still responsibilities out there that need your attention. Perhaps organizing your things will help weed out those negative emotions. De-clutter always help. Cleaning is a good exercise. Journal your feelings  is always a good escape from reality. It makes you think in a deeper level. Do anything uplifting that bring progress. You'll feel happier and accomplished.

Control your mindset and don't let your mindset control you. Don't get trapped in the weeds of thoughts. Instead, direct it towards your goal and be very focus of it. Keep your eyes in the prize.

The Power of Positivity

"A man with one arm still feel happy, because he doesn't focus on his missing arm. Instead, he's thankful for his other arm and the two feet he has."

This simply means gratitude. To thankful for what we have instead of stressing for something we don't have.

Mind is like a garden. We need to always weed out negative thoughts and uncontrollable fantasy. Mind, when is unleashed, could lead into areas that we should never visit. Pity party and victim mentality are born from idle mind who are not goal focused and not concentrating on positivism.

When we have a positive thinking, we could make a greater impact to ourselves and people who surround us. We bring sunshine to the mankind and everyone who we interact with. We discipline ourselves with integrity and put away negative thinking in a box.

Be positive. Don't be negative. Don't always judge something harshly without knowing all the facts. Like Yoda once said,"Unlearned what you have learned." Look at the bright side.

I think Norman Vincent Peale detailed this superpower best in his book: The Power of Positive Thinking." What a great book to read!

"Your Cup is Full"

Last night, I have an interesting conversation with a friend.

She said,"I'm lonely. I feel like I have no friend at all. I feel like nobody cares about me."

I said,"Well, loneliness is a depressing feeling. Nobody wants to feel lonely and not being cared about. How about if I help you meet some new friends? There's a picnic next week at my school. I can introduce you with new friends to make your world brighter! More exciting!"

She replied,"Nah, I think I'd rather stay home. I don't want to have thousand of fake friendships. I'd rather have one or two real friendship with people I feel comfortable with."

I (thinking and not responding),"But you just said that you are lonely..."

I feel that she's not really lonely. It seems that she wants her problem to be resolved, but she doesn't really intend to. I say that her cup is full.

When your cup is full, you don't have any room to accept new ideas. Instead of acting like a sponge, absorbing new information and learn new life skills, you stunted your growth by closing your mind like an iron prison. You're not welcoming new perspective that could change your world to the better. To be able to improve in life, one must try to always empty their cups.

"You are like this cup; you are full of ideas. You come and ask for teaching, but your cup is full; I can't put anything in. Before I can teach you, you'll have to empty your cup."

I wish I can say to her that her cup is full. But it's pointless since she wouldn't understand what I mean anyway. I can just put this a s a reminder to myself that I always have to try to empty my cup, empty my mind, so this way I can learn new information better. I must empty my cup. Everyday.

Another Day in Paradise

When you have a fight with someone, at what point do you know when to throw in the towel? To quit working together to repair the broken connection between you two? Or when to give that person another chance to prove that he/she is worthy of your friendship?

I can only think one answer for this question. I think it is okay to give him/her another chance if he/she is showing that they are trying to mend the relationship. If they have intention to give this another try too.

So my husband and I have been having a lot of fights lately. These are struggling times for the both of us. Some was caused due to outside factors that have nothing to do with us. Things that we don't have any control over. Some are caused by the things we caused ourselves. There are days that we just daydream what if we don't have each other anymore.

But the funny thing is, we possess this trait called resilience. It is a human nature to want to fix things. It feels like a challenge.

We decided to give it another try.

Last night, my husband said a magical phrase that suddenly make me laugh out loud, and forget about what we were fighting before. It is a phrase that I always say over & over again, and it rang true to my core. It is this:

"Past performance doesn't guarantee future results."

I'm an investment-minded woman. I like finance and investments stuff, and all the talk shows about it. In the past, I refer to that phrase to talk about our money, 401(k), and retirement plans. But last night when my husband said that (and he said that with a crooked smile too), I knew that he wasn't referred it to any dollar stuff. He referred it to us. Just because we have fight last month and last week, doesn't mean that we'll fight again tomorrow.

And it's true.  Today we don't have any fight at all! Actually we decided to clean up our house and reorganize few things. I feel so accomplished today!!! :)

So, for any couples out there that are in the midst of a perfect storm, I have an encouragement words for you today. Don't give up. Believe in your love. Give it a go again. Tomorrow is a new day. Live in the present. Don't always go back to the past and to get even. Forgive and move on. Don't quit.

It's another day in paradise.